I have not found many things to write about lately, but the current onslaught of political campaigning (i.e. finger-pointing, mud-slinging, and general third-grade playground behavior) has inspired me to think about what’s not being said – how one group of ideologues or the other is going to save our crumbling National Institutions and rebuild our infrastructure to make our country once again an example to the world.
This will not be a political post. My personal conviction is that any person who truly wishes to hold high political office doesn’t deserve to do so. They are narcissists, egotists, and political animals of the worst kind. I don’t make distinctions between left and right with those comments, so please don’t peg me as a Conservative Racist Red State Teabagger or a Liberal Commie Pinko Hippie. I am so middle-of-the-road you could probably paint a double yellow line down my back. Nobody represents me – nobody electable, anyway. I think the idea I present here could appeal to both parties on different levels. I’m sure there would be sticking points, but since we’ve come to a bi-partisan consensus on tough issues like healthcare and the war in Afghanistan (sudden, inexplicable coughing fit), certainly my little plan will breeze right through Congress. In fact, I’m surprised nobody has seen the solution before. Maybe they have, it just hasn’t shown up where I’ve been looking.
It has become obvious in recent years that one of our oldest and greatest National Treasures and Institutions – The United States Postal Service – is in decline. We can attribute that slow failure to the advent of e-mail, the bloated bureaucracy and unsustainable benefits and retirement packages offered to workers, or the slow but steady erosion of the American work ethic that once stood for service, courtesy, and integrity. Those people still exist at the USPS, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think there are nearly as many as there used to be.
How do we fix this? Why, I’m glad you asked! I’ve been thinking about this for most of a day now, and I think I’ve got a pretty good solution. Some of it may be a little shocking, but don’t let that stop you before you’ve heard me out. I think we need a little shaking up, and this could just be the Hope and Change® we’ve been longing for.
Step One: Legalize Marijuana.
Wait. Don’t judge me yet. Let’s be honest here. People smoke the stuff. I do not. I don’t really care if you do. It is, however, an industry that could generate billions of dollars in revenue for the Federal Government. If Americans want to buy pot, let’s sell it to them. How?
At The Post Office.
Follow me here. There’s one in every town. They already have a house-to-house delivery network. They already have a perfect slogan: “We Deliver (weed) For You.” Even the acronym USPS works: United States Pot Supply. I daresay if more of the employees partook, we might cut down on those unfortunate shootings, and “going postal” would have an entirely different meaning. Total PR win! “Come chill at the Post Office. We have cookies!”
The Question of Supply.
In order to provide enough product to our consumer base, we must think about production and distribution on a grand scale. I have this covered as well. We’re already paying farmers a subsidy to grow nothing, so let’s get them going on a real cash crop – cannabis. Forget about corn for ethanol – we’ll need to keep some corn to make Doritos of course, but I think we can figure the government will have some additional funding to explore alternative energy. I’m predicting that energy consumption will go down anyway, since quite a few people won’t really want to go anywhere unless Burning Man is on.
This is easy. We already have a government-subsidized railroad network – Amtrak. It runs right through Middle-America and it stops in most major cities. Add a few freight cars and a smoking lounge and you’re all set. Catching a red-eye to the coast will never be the same. Subsidize fares with some of the cash we’ll be raking in and I’m sure ridership will go up. We can start a resurgence in public transportation by ensuring that a suitable fraction of the population is too stoned to drive. We can further subsidize costs by having corporate sponsors – say Taco Bell – open franchises on the trains and in the stations. Imagine if you will a train station with drive-thru.
The possibilities here are nearly endless. The Post Office will become a destination again. Why not put in a coffee bar, offer wi-fi, sell munchies? They could even offer accessories – from Bob Marley tie-dye t-shirts to glass pipes in the shape of former presidents. Who wouldn’t want a Bill Clinton bong? I’m sure the right marketing people could make a mint, considering the target clientele are likely to make unwise purchasing decisions.
After all that, if we can’t afford to give everybody healthcare, I think I might just move to Australia. I thought about Canada, but I can’t take any more snow.I am a manofewords. I am not running for office, and I have not approved this message.