Nope, I haven’t written anything in a while. My muse has been busy doing other things, I guess, because I just haven’t had that inspired spark to put anything on a page.
Life is in a bit of flux right now – trying to sell my house so I can make a move, my business environment is changing, and I’ve just been spending those stamina points doing things other than sitting at my computer ranting about the world. I’m not sure the world’s gotten any better in my absence, I’ve just resolved myself to resist petting the sweaty things. Or was that sweating the petty things? Whatever.
Today, however, I felt a spark. Not for a rant (sorry), but from one of those more illuminating little epiphanies that happen from time to time. I’ve been keeping those a little close to the vest lately, but I feel compelled to let this one out.
Outside of writing – in this venue in particular – I’ve never been much for expressing myself. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, rather that I don’t have the mental wiring to sort, assemble, and send it off to my pie-hole in any sort of meaningful form. My head is full of responses to your last snippet of conversation at that dinner party, but it is also processing these other things:
- Is what I’m about to say appropriate/funny/sarcastic/insulting/possible to misinterpret?
- Are you aware that there’s a bit of chive on your tooth that’s driving me bat****?
- Do my socks match?
- Why did I just think that?
- They really should make silverware out of rubber so it doesn’t make those distracting noises. Rubberware?
- I hate this music.
- Someone is wearing WAY too much perfume.
- Oh! I forgot to email that spreadsheet.
- I have now waited an uncomfortably long time to respond.
- They will think I’m stupid.
- Or not interested.
- Hey! Clam dip!
Really, I did hear what you said, and I am paying attention. In fact, I have a response – I just don’t know if it’s one that will please you. That’s pretty important to me, because I’m fairly sure I’m insecure. Part of this is social anxiety, and I think another part of it is some sort of parallel processing.
It was on my lunch break today that I was finally able to put a face on it. I was indulging in one of my guilty pleasures (Russian car-crash videos on YouTube if you must know – which is fodder for another discussion entirely), when I suddenly found myself on the other side of my computer screen.
In conversation, I’m convinced that my face looks quite like that irritating segmented circle, or the Windows hourglass, or Ring of Waiting, or whatever they call it these days.
I am buffering…
I have the content you want – I know it’s in here somewhere next to Rebecca Black or between the Rick Roll and a poorly edited video on basket weaving with cat hair. Just give me a second and I’ll find it… hold on… nope… AH-HAH! I will now RESPOND.
“My favorite color?” MONKEYS! CANOES! PI! “uhh….” (Buffering…) Say red – you should say red, but then red is so easy – so predictable. You should probably say something like Vermilion, but then you’d probably sound pretentious…(Buffering…) “uhh…”
So goes my conversational life. I wonder if I could get my irises to rotate? Then at least people under 40 would know what’s going on when I don’t respond right away.