Home Away From Home

Being that this is going to be a less-than-stellar review of a hotel at which I spent a couple of nights, I should probably get this out of the way first:

Disclaimer: The following is a work of snark, and is intended for entertainment purposes only.  Any similarities to existing hotel properties or persons with similar-sounding names is mostly coincidental.  Probably.  So please don’t sue me.  Really, you have enough money already.

I’m not a big fan of hotels and motels in general. I’m not exactly agoraphobic, but I like being at home. I like my bed, my pillow, and the reassuring green glow of my alarm clock. I know what’s on the other side of that wall behind my head, and I know the various noises and rhythms of my own home.  Sometimes, however, circumstances call you far enough away from home so that you can’t crawl into your own comfortable nest at the end of the day.  I was going to have to place my sleeping trust in someone else’s hands.  Part of my selection process involved reading reviews from other guests, so I thought I’d write my own.  I hope it’s helpful.

I recently stayed at the, er, “Milton” (or something like that) in <redacted because they have my credit card on file, and could easily find me responsible for unknown ‘damages’ or for stealing their horrid towels or something.  But I’m not paranoid.> and I would like to make some recommendations that might help your hotel improve itself for future guests.  I have made a short list of my concerns.

  1. Mostly due to the pretty pictures you provided, I decided on a mini-suite. I’m not one for night life, and I’d rather not leave the room if possible. Having my own dining and seating areas was quite appealing.  Right up to the point where I discovered that the curtains of my first-floor room were designed such that they could not be closed.  I also discovered that my room overlooked a busy hallway not six feet from my window, and that I could be seen just about anywhere in the room except in the bed.  Perhaps the designers enjoy their morning latte and their evening television whilst fully clothed in the latest Haute couture, but I’m sure nobody wants to see me parading around in tattered boxers eating Cheerios.  Curtains that shut, please.
  2. You really need a trash can in the bathroom.  If you need to know why, you can ask Paris.  You know, Paris “Milton“?  I think she’s got trash pretty well covered.
  3. Still in the bathroom.  How about a fan?  Please?  I have to live in this suite for a couple of days.  While we’re at it, having the switch for the bathroom light inside the bathroom might be a good idea as well.  What if I’m in the middle of a midnight serenade and suddenly require additional illumination?
  4. The bed.  Being the size of an aircraft carrier was nice.  Being shaped like a bowl was not.  My back still hurts.  Eleven pillows does not make up for this shortcoming.  I am here chiefly to sleep.  The fact that it’s all hollowed out makes me think a little too much about how it got that way.
  5. Travelociraptor (or some similar website) assured me that this was a “Hot Deal” when they touted 20% off the price of my stay.  They failed to mention that this was likely the only way you could rent out this non-refundable room that shares a wall with the mechanicals for the elevator.  WHIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRR. CLUNK!  WHIRRRRRRRRRRR.  Who needs a wake-up call?
  6. A person of larger-than-pixie-sized proportions might need more than one towel to dry off after a shower.  Just saying.
  7. Parking.  A thinking person might take the number of guest rooms and multiply by a factor of 1.5 or so.  A silly person would divide by 3.  I’ll leave you to go count parking spaces.
  8. It was nice that I had a refrigerator.  I never heard it run until I put half a bottle of Pepsi in it.  Then it ran incessantly and noisily for two full days.  It did not keep the Pepsi particularly cold.  Because of this shortcoming, I found myself in need of ice.  I found directional signage for the pool, the fitness center, the business center, and the conference room.  The only sign for the ice machine was ON the ice machine.  I sort of figured that one out.  Nice game of hide-and-seek, though.
  9. Having to walk through the “canine relief area” to get to the entry door was probably not the best idea for people dragging suitcases.
  10. Room colors.  I may be picking nits now, but “blood and vomit” would not be high on my list of color palettes for a relaxing stay.  The fake orchid was a nice touch.
  11. WHAT IS THAT STAIN ON THE OTTOMAN?!
  12. You might want to consider that weary travelers probably do not want to get up before 9 to take advantage of your free breakfast… Oh, you’re clever, aren’t you?  I see what you did there.

So, in conclusion, I found it very difficult to do anything homey in my home-away-from-home.  I could not sleep comfortably, could not eat, could not watch TV in my skivvies, could not properly go to the bathroom, and could not park my car.  All this from a three-star hotel.

Mr. “Milton”, the people have spoken.  You are the weakest link.

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One Response to Home Away From Home

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